RED MY LIPS
CW: Themes of Rape / Sexual Assault
Red My Lips was created in collaboration with an international non-profit organisation of the same name, dedicated to supporting those suffering the impacts of sexual violence or assault. The portrait series aims to dismantle the myths and social constructs that perpetrate these issues. Clad in red lipstick, subjects share their stories and thoughts on sexual violence, its impact, and the importance of compassion and solidarity.
The project began in 2015 and was exhibited in 2017, comprising over 50 portraits accompanied with handwritten captions. This was Elena’s first solo exhibition at age 19. Images from the series were features in Farrago Magazine, ANU Demos Journal, (US) Allure Magazine and the Red My Lips organisation’s website.
'I want to give people a safe way to show support. I want survivors to understand and believe that what happened was not their fault. I want them to see love and support on the faces of those around them, whether they come forward with what they have been through or not. And I want our collective mentality to change. I want people to better understand how sexual violence, rape myths and victim blaming are connected. How they don’t just harm victims, but all of us. I believe this cultural shift is what is needed to lower the rates of sexual violence.'
- Danielle Tansino, founder of the Red My Lips organisation.
Elena McGannon
Because I am lucky that I get the chance to bloody my knuckles and bruise my skin myself, for a cause, not a conquest.
Because I can and will fight to break the roof just out of reach.
Because no matter how many battered knuckles, grazed palms and bruised fingers, my heavy bones and heavy heart will keep shattering this glass ceiling.
Not for my mother, or sisters, or brother, or father, or any and all who suffer the impact of sexual violence and the misconceptions it carries, but because it is fundamentally wrong.
Victims, survivors, allies, warriors, all in solidarity for those who suffer.
So read my lips and red your own, and bring light to the shadows.
Bianca Ruddell
'Living in Thailand, I saw a lot of prostitution. I lived in a rich area, which was next to a big park. They used to call prostitutes "chickens", men would stop their cars and pick them up from the park.
I remember one day I was walking home from a sky train station. Five cars stopped and tried to pick me up. Some of them were really old and driving really nice cars, others were normal cars. Even a motorbike stopped. Some of them understood when I shook my head, and left.
One guy grabbed my arm, I pulled away and slapped him. I was wearing basketball pants, guys basketball pants. You think you'd be safe walking home.
We should be safe enough to be able to walk around by ourselves.'
Mahalia Cochrane
‘I consider myself lucky not to have had any experiences with sexual assault, but I understand how frequently it happens and it needs to stop. Instead of teaching (women) how to avoid getting raped we should teach ("men") not to rape.’
Lois Scott
'It’s scary to think that you could be walking past a random woman (person) on the street that has been assaulted and you would have no idea. The fact that I even have to think it could possibly happen is disgusting. No one should feel like a victim.'
Tash Khan
'Many people dress to express themselves. The choice to (not) expose skin should not be an indication of someone's sexual availability. It's funny how females have been told not to wear singlets in school because "too much skin is exposed". Someone's self-expression shouldn't lead to an increase of the probability of sexual violence.'
Francesca McGannon
'The victims identity is usually not recognised as an important aspect of incidents of sexual violence. You can only imagine how it would feel to experience that, and then to be described as a statistic. Everything is kind of corrupted in a way, the way the media portrays it. There are little stories I've heard of where they address the situation appropriately; the victims wellbeing is not always the priority.
You hear stories about colleges (and institutions) where their main concern is to uphold the good reputation they have. They try to minimise the negative view it may give by making the incident less serious than it should be so it's not seen as such an issue. I guess the question of the victim's wellbeing comes into play there.'
Christine Semerdjian
'We need to remember that (sexual violence) is still a very real thing today, and it can happen to anyone, not just women. It is more common than one may think, and unfortunately is a very real part of our society.'
Emer Lahiff
"Bravery is not an option for us. Girls have to be brave in order to work the night shift, take the last bus home, to walk to a friend’s house alone. We do not have the luxury of choosing.”
– Zanab, 19, Canada.
It shouldn’t be a war that we have to fight ourselves. There shouldn’t even be a war to fight in the first place. Women are being constantly degraded by society. It’s not fair that women are made victims, judged for what they were wearing, or for walking home alone at night.'
Ivor Wong
'Society conditions men not to have emotions, it tells them that being manly is about being strong and tough enough to take whatever we want. We’re taught that it’s every man for himself, told to be so detached, that showing an emotional attachment to a woman can get us labelled as “mommy’s boys”, or “whipped”, and that’s dangerous. For me, it just seems that emotionless men are the root to a lot of problems on earth.
I’m lucky in that, as a man, I’m unlikely to ever be a victim of sexual assault. But just because it is less likely to happen to men than women doesn’t mean that it isn’t our problem. Making up half the population, we too have the responsibility to attempt to rectify the problem, to eliminate sexual assault.
Privilege comes with responsibility, and male privilege is no exception. I think that the fact that male privilege still exists means that the world is far from perfect, but while it still does, men have the moral obligation to strive for equality, to speak up against sexual assault, and try to eradicate it entirely. Our moms, sisters, friends, anyone, shouldn’t have to feel unsafe just walking home.
I think that’s what being manly is about.'
Hilary DeGuingand
'I will not stand for being made to feel weak. I have before. Weak, powerless, stupid, vulnerable, mistaken. But this is my life, this is my body, and this is my mind. And they are mine to empower.'
Jalena Pangbourne
'Despite what a lot of people believe, rape culture is still prevalent in everyday conversation. Comments like, 'Bruh my team got totally raped on the weekend.' are becoming increasingly normal. That's not what rape is. It shouldn't be considered normal, people are dissociating the term from a serious act of violence and turning it into a cultural norm.
You only have to watch a Call of Duty walkthrough to see what it's being used to describe, it's not a term of endearment or sexual desire, it's about dominance and humiliation. This doesn't just dehumanise the issue, it dehumanises victims of sexual violence. It is bringing shame to the victims rather than shame to the perpetrators.'
Ash Richter
'I am older, more jaded than yesterday. Wearied.
Held captive by compassion and desperate to rise above the surface, to use my love to bring back a life worth living.
Fear. You can take a life with fear, have no doubt about that.
Fear is at its centre and fear is what drives us all mad. Persistence.
I would hate them all, bitterly and powerfully, if it were to do any good. It is pointless.
Fear will find its way in any way it can. In your eyes. Ears. Nose. Mouth.
It will graze the hairs on the back of your neck and whisper quietly not to tell. The stench of its breath stays with you, in your hair and clothes.
Be a part of another’s suffering. Watch it unfold and know it intimately.
Carry it, nurture it, nestle it by your breast when you sleep at night.
It will drag you down and it will tear you to shreds. It will break your resolve and consume your strength.
All you can do then is to open your arms and say: Please share in my hope. I am here.'
Anna Collopy
'A lack of education is one of the biggest barriers in discussing sexual assault and violence. I think younger people are so often criticised for spending time on their phones and connected to the internet. However, through the internet there are endless resources available for anyone to educate themselves and share ideas with others, which is one of the most effective generators of informed discussion. Without education and public awareness programs like Red My Lips run through social media, we lose an ability to challenge socially ingrained ideas that have accumulated through years and years of cultural conditioning from mainstream media. I think people often forget the enormous impact that social media campaigns can have on the global consciousness.'
Cheyann De Jong
'I’ve been fortunate enough to study law at university. I’ve been even more fortunate to not experience violence in my life. For the pro bono component of my course, I decided to put these two factors together and work with the Eastern Community Legal Centre and help those who were not as lucky as I have been.
Working with the ECLC was intense - we would hear stories of pregnant women who were trapped in abusive relationships, women who were forced to leave their jobs, girls who were followed home from school by strangers or even an abusive parent.
We visited courts and these stories were put into a whole new light - case after case where I saw people come and file for intervention orders. I saw a grandmother, a daughter, a friend, a child, all come in and make this order because of the violence they did not deserve. It was during this placement where I remembered why I chose this course - a desire to help those who needed it most, and those who may be least likely to access this help.
I met a representative from EDVOS towards the end of my placement who told us about the work they do to support women and children try to escape this violence. ‘Live free from violence’ was one of their missions.
Living free from violence is something that every single human needs. Living free from violence empowers women to live in their community how they want. Not feeling like they have to hide, or be ashamed. ‘Live Free From Violence’ is something that will always resonate with me.'
Dimitri Ganotis
'Sexual assault, sexism, and racism don’t have a place in the 21st century. They do exist; they're very big issues that will take a while to tackle. These are problems we should have addressed long ago.
No matter what anyone says, it's never the victim's fault. Its a cop-out excuse when people say boys will be boys, or that she was asking for it. "She isn't asking for it", and "Boys need to be men and grow up" should begin to replace these. The only way to get rid of sexual violence is to start educating the next generation, or else I don’t think anything will change. This is a way to start moving in the right direction: teaching that it's not right and that there is no excuse for these crimes.'
Siobhan Parker
'No less than thirty women have been murdered in Australia so far this year and yet the media and the government are so focused on the 'real' threat of terror. What I find truly terrifying is the fact that after a late-night shift at work, it's insisted that a security guard be made to walk me to my car. As a woman, it is deemed unsafe to walk just a hundred metres through a car park. The problem is seen but not recognised. It's talked about but not properly heard. The statistics are there, there are tragic cases of violence, abuse, and harassment and yet the issue does not have the spotlight it deserves.'
Abby Holmes
'Victims of sexual assault are not asking for it.
Their clothing never puts them at fault for being catcalled or harassed. Their need to walk home without company does not make them deserve to feel frightened for their safety, their lives. Stop telling them that they don't have the rights to their own bodies. Stop reducing women to mere sexual objects. We refuse to fit within your neat little boxes. We are never fucking asking for it.'
Jessica Carrascalão Heard
'I'm at a bar. Hi. By the way, I'm not asking for it. I'm wearing what I'm wearing. Because I like it. Not because I'm asking for it. You get me a drink. Thank you! That's lovely. Incidentally, by taking the drink, I'm not asking for it, I'd just like the drink. I get a bit tipsy. Well, yeah, I've had a few. But I'm still not asking for it. Just because I'm wearing what I'm wearing, or how inebriated I am, doesn't mean that you can help yourself, and then get upset and violent when I say no. Because until I'm actually asking for it, I'm not asking for it.'
Matthew Sist
'In today's society, there is a huge lack of awareness and understanding of sexual violence from teenage boys. When I was growing up, I was constantly unaware of what was occurring around me. I was never taught about sexual violence, rape culture or any related issues, and therefore I didn't know about it. The first time I was ever spoken to about "acting like a gentleman" was in my last year of high school, when most us were already adults; evidently too late for some.
The concept of sexual violence; the knowledge of consent and the ability to say no: these are things that everyone should be taught to understand and accept from a young age, because this lack of recognition is holding back our society's ability to become a safe place for everyone. '
Rach Rebecca
'The world of dance is perhaps one of the only places where we are able to view (particularly women’s) bodies without objectification. Upon the stage, the dancer becomes a form of art; manipulating their bodies in time with music to achieve incredible grace and beauty. Combined with costume, these dancers work to tell a story that can’t be said in words.
Thus, as a dancer, I struggle to understand how as a society, we make the distinction between women on the ‘stage,’ and on our streets. How are we able to distinguish between this body as an art form, and then instantly, in the ‘real’ world, as a means of objectification? What about these women has changed? They are the same people; merely placed within a different context.'
Matthew Bricknell
'Sexual violence is a topic that often brings with it uncomfortable silence when discussed in public. Some like to hide it behind the pretence that "it has never happened to me, so why is it my responsibility to care?" Egocentric thinking such as this is what allows sexual violence to run rampant behind the curtains which we refuse to look behind. By simply bringing this issue forward from the dark we can make a difference to the way in which the community at large perceives it. When most people come to think of the act of sexual violence they tend to imagine the domination of a woman by a man. However, statistics from a recent survey in America suggest that while woman are more likely to be a risk of sexual violence, 1 in 33 men (or 3%) have experienced an attempted or completed rape upon them. It is with this information that I hope to bring to light that it is not only women who should be concerned about the act of sexual violence, but that this issue also directly effects men.
If we can stop the taboo nature within which this issue is perceived, especially in men, we can hope to achieve some progress towards stopping this cowardly act.'
Britt Morison
' It's easier to think of the women (and other people) in our lives as potential victims or irrational liars than the men (and other abusers) as potential perpetrators. But we need to acknowledge the uncomfortable truths.
Most rapists aren't cold-blooded villains lurking the streets late at night. Most rapists are people the victim knows: friends, partners and even family members. They can be men not recognising what they’ve done as rape because they don’t fit the stereotype of a typical sex offender. They don’t necessarily walk around intending to sexually assault someone; they could just be pushing the limits of consent because society has allowed it before. We need to teach boys what wholehearted sexual consent looks like and what constitutes a sexual assault. We need to not allow society to minimise sexual violence to an alcohol-fuelled situation or as a disagreement that got out of hand.
Rape is never an accident, nor is it some avoidable disaster women need to protect themselves from. Sexual violence against women is an ingrained societal issue and there’s no excuse for it.'
Megan and Caitlin Scolyer-Gray
'The most important thing you can do for a survivor of sexual violence is to listen and believe them. We need to stop making excuses for perpetrators. The circumstances surrounding sexual violence have no relevance to whether or not the victim was "asking for it"; it doesn't matter where, how or why it happened, it is never the victims fault. We need to stand together as a sisterhood and support one another and stop the vicious cycle of shaming girls for their experiences surrounding sexual violence. To be a survivor of sexual violence is not a shameful secret. You are not alone.'
Annika Lammers
'Do not confuse one story for all stories. Acknowledging this will never be apology nor excuse enough to break from this culture. So read my lips and red your own and maybe we can make a difference.'
Ebony Prescott
'The freedom to travel has been taken away. The freedom to walk upon the world with out fear and feel safe is a human right that we should all have. I associate train stations with the fear of being followed, watched or attacked. Sexual violence can take place anywhere at anytime and it's an issue that effects the lives of many. We shouldn't have to lives our lives looking over our shoulder, watching shadows.'
Charlotte and Katie-Marie Whittle
'If you are suffering from the traumatic experience of sexual assault, I wish I could hold you gently. I would whisper to you in my arms:
'It’s okay. I know you’re hurting, you’ve been broken and it’s unfair. No one understands or wants to try. But wait, it’s infuriating; I feel your anger! Let it all out! Find that poison that’s destroying you inside and rip it out! Do anything you need to kill the hate and torture! No matter what people believe, stay strong in yourself. Now breathe….Feel calm, feel love, feel strength. It’s okay, it’s time to be you again. The world misses your beautiful soul that has been petrified into hiding. Red my lips, and be free now.'
Emma Hart
'It is everyone's responsibility to wear appropriate clothing in both schooling and workplace environments; of course presentation is a consideration, but it is a poor excuse for women being told they are unable to wear clothing that reveals their shoulders, upper chest, neck or even upper arms. Such clothing has been deemed too revealing, suggestive, and provocative, and yet the idea of trying to arouse someone with my shoulders has never occurred to me. The thought that wearing such 'revealing' clothing would elicit such a response is unsettling to me. This mentality finds its way into almost every aspect of our society, where men have been excused for sexual predation and assault by blaming its occurrence upon women, whose appearance seems to communicate that "she was asking for it". Not only does this mentality objectify women, but it fuels inequality by manifesting and normalising oppression. Women are forced to cover up to protect their fellow men from acting out sexually or discriminatorily in the face of the 'inescapable, all consuming, sensual lure of female flesh'. Rather than requiring men to exercise some form of self-control, it's apparently our responsibility as women to do what we can to prevent these events from happening. How can this be justified when we are most often not the ones committing these crimes or fuelling this mentality? We know it shouldn't be, but it is.
I am no man-hater, many of my closest friends are men and they have never encouraged or condoned this sexist psyche. It is out there though, it's real, it's inescapable; society has created this image of women as sexual objects and it needs to be changed. Girls as young as thirteen have been sent home from school for wearing clothing that in an everyday context would be completely acceptable, but is deemed "inappropriate" in a schooling environment. But why? Because male students would become distracted during class by the parts of her they see every day in other contexts? Or because her teachers were unable to control themselves when confronted with the bare skin of an innocent girl so many years their junior? This concept is horrifying to conceive of when parents and children are placing their trust in their supervisors, educators and mentors. These teachers, male and female, create and enforce these rules with a sense of righteousness, attempting to address and protect their students. They are avoiding or missing the real issue of sexual objectification, placing the responsibility of its prevention upon the wrong people. Women and girls should not only be able to express themselves, but also be able to live in a society without fear of being preyed upon, violated, or viewed inappropriately in a workplace or educational environment. This social climate requires women to do what they can to prevent sexual predation. Rather than covering up we need to be educated, alert and aware, and avoid dangerous places, situations and people. For women to be accused of encouraging, even inviting these crimes through their appearance is unacceptable. We need to call upon both men and women to stop facilitating this mindset and start instigating the necessary change to discontinue this repulsive culture.
There is nothing suggestive about collar bones.'
Kirsty McKellar
'I think one of the main reasons that sexual violence still exists in our society is because for a long time - with specific regards to men assaulting women - it was seen as something that "just happened" and was therefore a part of daily life. Women in workplaces were allowed to be objectified and teens who defied convention by wearing "promiscuous" clothing were "asking for it".
I think we are quite fortunate in that a lot of attention is now being brought to unwarranted sexual acts, however inadvertently it is those who are trying to protect or comfort the victims of rape or sexual abuse who are in fact allowing it to slip through the cracks as something not tolerable but warranted. Quite recently I was told a story about a girl my age who went out clubbing with her friends, started to chat with a couple guys, got her drink spiked and then was raped back at her apartment by him. Instead of being told to report this to the police or being comforted by her friends the next day in the knowledge that this was in no way her fault, the girl was left believing that this crime was her own doing. In this case the girl was blatantly left accountable for his actions, a typical case of victim blaming. Although now most witnesses or commentators on sexual violence will sympathise with the victim and will often describe the act of the rape as brutal or vulgar, it is seemingly rare for the victim to come away faultless. A parent may comment on how late at night it was, a friend might try and go over the events with you and describe how intoxicated you were, the media will praise you for being so strong but warn viewers at the end of its segment: do not leave your drink unattended! Or one that we have heard more recently: when walking late at night, do not wear headphones and if possible be accompanied by a male. These measures may or may not prevent short term attacks, but they cannot change a mindset.
Personally, when I think back to times where I've acquired unwanted attention, at first there is a feeling of shame and partial responsibility. I cannot imagine what victims of rape must feel.
To conquer what I imagine must be a feeling of complete loneliness and guilt, friends, family and the media need to tell victims quite clearly that: this is not your fault. You in no way did this. There is nothing you could have done. Once this happens, I believe we will be able to move forward with combatting this issue more thoroughly.'
Fiona Hashim
'I feel like one day victims just have to say I don't give a fuck about society's expectations and what is expected of me and that's how the cycle of violence is broken. With how we are as a society, there needs to be some sort of epiphany about victimisation and to strengthen our values as a community. No, it is not okay to touch anyone sexually without consent and no, it is not okay to lay a hand on anyone because they've said no to sexual advances. No, you don't have to confront a perpetrator if you don't want to. But, yes you have every right to. Deal with it how you want to. Confront or just leave it be. Victims must give themselves the love, respect and care they deserve. And everybody else is there for support. You don't owe anybody else an explanation.'
(TW: Themes of Rape, Sexual Assault / Discussed, Conceptualised.)
Cassy Eaton
"Christ, my head!
Wait,
Where am I? Oh my God where the fuck am I?
How did I end up here? Who brought me here?
And holy fuck I'm naked. Why the hell am I naked!?!
Was I raped last night?
Shit, there's blood.
Why is there blood?
Oh God I can't remember a thing!
I'm freaking out, I need to get out of here!
Where are my clothes? Where is my phone?
Oh thank Christ there's my stuff.
Shit, my phone's dead.
I hope my girlfriends got home okay.
Do I get up? Do I try to leave?
I can't hear anyone out there, will they hurt me if I try to leave?
And where will I go I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM
AND I CAN'T CALL FOR HELP! Can I call for help?
What do I do?"
'Waking up with no idea where you are or what happened to you would be such a terrifying experience; yet it is happening to young men and women every weekend. Please watch your drinks, friends. We shouldn't have to, it is such a shame that it's come to this, but Christ just watch em' for me. Okay?'
Sam Galagher
'The first time I was sexually assaulted I was 12. Having never been touched in a sexual manner like that before, I didn’t fully understand what had happened. I had not physically developed yet, but that didn’t stop the stranger from painfully squeezing my bottom. It was a confusing situation as I was unable to process my emotions like I can as an adult. In hindsight, I felt violated, degraded and full of shame. Someone had touched me and entered my personal space, treating me as a sexual object without my permission.
At 14 I received an unsolicited nude photo from a boy I knew via Facebook. He attempted to threaten me into sending one back. Horrified to again be put in a sexual position without my consent, I deleted the photo and refused to send one back. I didn’t alert anyone to what had happened, as I knew I would probably be blamed for having done something to “encourage” him, instead of the blame being placed on him.
Being sexualised at young age without any real education on consent has definitely had an impact on my life. Although I have experienced many situations like these, I am aware of my privilege as an educated, middle-class cis female in Australia. I am very lucky I can say my subjection to sexual assault and violence had been very limited.
However I am still subject to the casual sexism and rape culture that plagues our society. It is something that is ingrained in us as a collective; something so insidious it shapes the identity and actions of women everywhere.
We still live in a world where women are blamed for the actions of men. If it’s not women, it’s nature. Biology. But males are in no way biologically programmed to abuse women. Only our extensive history of exploiting and objectifying women, spanning thousands of years, has made it seem in anyway tolerable. More recently, justifications such as "boys will be boys" and "she was asking for it" have been socially constructed and are entirely damaging for both men and women, let alone those who identify as queer. Of course, not all men perpetrate, not all women are victims and dealing within this gender binary doesn’t allow for recognition of the struggle of other gender identities. But it is important to recognise sexual violence for what it is, and to try and prevent it from occurring.
No woman "asks for it". In fact, men should be asking for it. Gaining consent is the single most important action in reducing sexual violence. No man should believe that he is entitled or compelled to sexually violate a woman. Instead of showing strength and masculinity, these men only highlight their weakness: an absence of self-control and respect of basic human rights and dignity.'
Simren Seychell
'On the 23rd of November 2014, a 15 year old Indian girl died from severe burns after she attempted to defend herself from a gang rape at the hands of six men. After being doused in kerosene by the men following the attempted rape, the girl was set alight.
A two-and-a-half year-old and a five-year-old were gang-raped in Delhi on October 16 last year- in separate incidents. The youngest was raped by two men who abducted her on a motorbike from outside her house.
India is an undoubtedly beautiful nation, however for all its beauty there has always been disrespect for women; and this disrespect underlies its prevalent rape culture. These two disgusting incidences are only examples of the horrific sexual assault that is perpetrated in India.
Having said this, we cannot point the finger solely at India for its rape culture. In rural areas of Indonesia, the lifetime prevalence of perpetration of rape towards a female was 19.5% and gang rape 7%. When asked why they perpetrated their last non-partner rape, 76.5% of rapists in the three areas averaged cited sexual entitlement, 55.2% entertainment-seeking, and 29.7% as a result of anger. This entitlement and disrespect towards women has to stop.
Education is needed in order to prevent such incidences from occurring in conjunction to harsher penalties for sexual assault. Whilst the Indian government claims to have tightened penalties and to have acted upon the issue, crimes against women have raised by 7.1% since 2010 in India. Men should not be allowed to hide behind the phrase “boys will be boys” or their culture; more needs to be done in order to prevent violence against women and to stop this crime from becoming a cultural norm. Such beautiful culture must be saved from such crime.'
Raushaan Seychell
'The last few years have seen an unprecedented change in people’s opinions of rape and victim blaming. So if it’s all going well, why am I writing this? Why am I posing with a football? As an umpire in a senior male football league, I have learnt what manliness really is. I have learnt that a true man will display selflessness taking the hits, not expecting anything in return.
To the ‘men' who believe that it is right to honk their car horns at traffic lights at people like my sister, while she is simply waiting for the route 67 tram getting back from football training in Elsternwick - when all the while I am standing right next to her.
To the ‘men' who believe it is ok to grope and feel up my female friends at a nightclub, then cower away into the strobes and darkness when they become aware of it - sometimes doing this when they are even the arms of a boyfriend, or under protection from male friends.
To the ‘men' who think it is right to humiliate someone for their own sick pleasure.
To the boys who think this is acting like a man.
I know that you will deny doing what you did. You may justify it with victim blaming. You’ll do this for a surprisingly simple reason - you're unenlightened. You forget that they could’ve never ended up in the situation for just simply not raping.
Some of you condemn the world’s dictators for suppressing the voice of innocent people with guns, yet the ‘stat’ you just hurt, raped and humiliated is a human being that you knew couldn’t fight back. We all condemn you for suppressing a woman’s right and autonomy to say ‘no’ with your filth. You stand alone. And if you’re caught for what you did, may God help you in prison.
You boys will be boys, but you will never, ever, be men.'
Georgia Ross
'You're the monster under my bed and in my closet yet I can't seem to let you go.
You creep into my most private moments and I'm not sure I could lose you in a crowd if I tried.
I'm helpless to the hurt you've caused me and the one I love, as helpless as I am when you appear in my nightmares.
Someday your memory will leave the inside of my eyelids and I promise you will not exist in my children’s eyes.'
- 'My Children's Eyes', poem by Unknown.
Megan Scolyer-Gray
'Ever since I was around 12/13 I have been sexually objectified by men. Not in extreme cases, often not even in a violent or aggressive manner. But it's been there. And as I've gotten older, the attention hasn't stopped, it's grown, and become more aggressive.
I have been grabbed by the neck in a bar by a man who has then repeatedly tried to kiss me, who has not let go, and when I have said no for the fourth time, has called me a Bitch. I have been grabbed on the ass and thighs and when I've responded that I've got a boyfriend, I'm usually met with "how long?" Or "well he's not here" While dancing in a bar with my friends random men have come up behind me, put their hands on my body, and once a man grabbed my hips and kissed my neck and whispered in my ear that I was a "tease" because of the way I danced. This same man grabbed me 5 separate times during the night, even when told no by me and then by my friends. I didn't want to dance anymore after that.
I've been made to get into a car with a man I did not know. He told me he was a driver outside a club and guided me to his car through the dark with his hand on my arm, would not let me go when I asked if I should go back to outside the club. He stood over me until I got into his car. He tried to take an exit which would have taken me far away from my house, and only changed his course when he thought I had taken a snap chat of him.
When I arrived home after asking my boyfriend to keep texting me, to go to my house to meet me and to wait for me, I cried and said I was sorry, I said I was sorry for being in that situation, sorry that I had been drinking. I cried to my parents that I was sorry that I didn't know what to do, that I tried my best in the situation. I was lucky, lucky I didn't get hurt lucky something horrible didn't happen but none the less I blamed myself, I've always blamed myself.
I was too nice, my top was too low cut, my boobs are too big and my skirt too short. But you know what? It's not my fault.
It's not my fault people feel entitled to my body, entitled to call me a bitch, a tease. To kiss parts of my body without my consent, to comment on my breasts and to make me get into their car. Unfortunately, we are living in an world where there is absolutely not enough education on consent and what constitutes sexual harassment and assault. So to everyone out there who has felt like a victim, who's felt alone, who's felt like it's your fault. It's not. And you are not alone.
It's time to stop the perpetual cycle of sexual assault and abuse. It's time to educate everyone on consent. And I do mean everyone because it's not just women who are victims of sexual assault and violence.
No means no. It doesn't mean "keep trying" it doesn't mean "maybe" and it doesn't mean I'm playing hard to get. It means, don't touch me.'
Steph Kunnel
'Visibility.
Often repressed. Often dismissed. Often covered up.
Cases are brought forward and pushed back swiftly, surely. Why? Why are we so conditioned to be scared to speak up? Reluctant to speak out.
Being.
What is it to be a human being? To empathise with a fellow soul and lend that shoulder, that hand they so need.
Violence.
Sexual and not. Covered up. Hushed up. Is that what we want in society today?
It's up to us to stand up. Own up. Seek help. Acknowledge. Provide help.
Sexual violence is unacceptable. In all circumstances. So why is it so hard for us to listen? To act? To prevent?'
Bryony Balaton-Chrimes
I Speak.
'I am a woman. I am disabled. I am topless. None of these facts are reasons for anybody to have sex with me without my consent. Consent is not just the word "no" consent is a clear and unquestionable "yes" it needs to be said. In our country sexual violence towards people with disabilities is prevalent. It's also very common for this violence to go unreported. One reason is that people who are incapable of consenting to sex due to their disability are also incapable of reporting the abuse. Another reason is fear. The only community that many Australians with a disability feel they belong to is that of others who share their disability. Victims fear the shame they worry would be cast upon them by the only people they feel understand them. I am privileged. I am a woman. I am disabled. I am topless. I can speak out for those who are unable. I stand for those who can't consent and who can't report. I tell you again that none of the things I am are justification for ANY sexual activity without consent. What I am is not consent. I speak. I will always speak.'
Anna T / Feminist Banter
'It took me a few years to realise that my first “sexual experience” was, in fact, assault. Given it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I’ve been confronting it a lot more lately. When I think back on my high school years, the strongest memories evoked are those that concentrate on pressure. The pressure to drink and have sex, while at the same time the need to avoid being the subject of gossip and bullying.
With each year in high school, the ‘burden’ of virginity grew heavier. The night of my experience, I was sixteen and, in hindsight, it’s pretty clear that I was drunk. Things were happening that I knew I didn’t want, but I tolerated it because I thought that I should want it. I already felt so much pressure to crave male attention, and I desperately sought a sense of intimacy that had been encouraged by everything I had seen.
The oddest thing about this situation is that I never kissed him once, yet he still managed to put his finger inside me. For years, I felt like a fucking idiot for putting myself in a position where someone could take advantage of me.
You see victim blaming everywhere, it’s all over the media – but it also happens internally. I blamed myself, and if I’m honest, I’m still plagued by self-doubt: could I have done something differently? Maybe if I had stopped drinking earlier? Maybe if I hadn’t been¬ so fucking stupid?
I remember people asking me what happened and I just lied outright: “Nothing happened.” I felt obliged to maintain some kind of reputation that I was one of the “smart girls” who wasn’t about to be dismissed as a slut and no longer taken seriously.
My story isn’t especially traumatic, and unfortunately, nor is it unique. Nowadays, I am slowly finding strength in feminism, and studying gender at university has helped me develop a much deeper understanding of how sexist stereotypes and pressures have impacted my life.
It’s so important that we properly educate young people. I feel that my sexual education was lacking, as there was no indication that the absence of a “no” does not mean “yes”. We learned that sexual intercourse occurs when a penis penetrates a vagina, and that sometimes this leads to scary STD’s and babies. Nothing about enthusiastic consent; nothing about respect and managing healthy relationships.
I know so many things now that I wish I knew.'
Ben Niles
'Bringing an end to sexual violence against women requires us as a society to not only address the issues that apply to women generally but their varied and distinct experiences due to intragroup differences. There is power in millions united, speaking as one voice, to end violence against women. However, additionally we must acknowledge the individuals who form this voice and their challenges as a result of the intersection of gender, ethnicity, sexuality, socioeconomic background, age, education, employment and a variety of other factors.
Understanding how a recently settled refugee woman may be unable to leave an abusive relationship, due to limited language skills, current unemployment, a dependency on her partner for income and cultural pressures, is important in understanding the structural barriers faced by women that are victims of sexual violence.
Intersectionality helps us to understand how a trans-woman, a teenage international student who has been able to express their gender identity for the first time in a different country, may face different forms of violence against women to many others.
Guys, it’s not enough that we don’t perpetrate acts of violence – there’s more to do. It’s great that men are now calling other guys out for things that contribute to violence against women such as “slut shaming”, derogatory terms, bullying and when friends are too persistent or even “stalkerish” with a woman they like – but still, there’s more to do. Men, we need to actively contribute to removing structural barriers to support, resources and opportunities. Each woman is an individual and ending sexual violence against women requires addressing the combination of factors that contribute to, and prevents support for, victims of sexual violence.'
Eloise Marie
'Look forward. What's behind is important to remember; don't let it define you.
Pain hurts. Let it tell you what needs to be said; don't let it define you.
Abuse is not okay. Acknowledge it; don't let it define you.
You are important. Let yourself believe it; don't let others define you.
You are your experiences. Use them; don't let them define you.
Move forward.'
Isabelle Nehme
'The other day, I was asked by a family friend what specialties I am interested in potentially pursuing after my studies. I replied saying that surgery and a few other specialities looked like engaging pathways, to which I was promptly met with "forget about surgery, it's no place for a woman". Sadly, my family friend wasn't too far from the truth.
A survey taken in Australia, the U.K., the US, Sweden and Canada found that between 25-40% of women experienced sexual harassment in training or practice. Moreover, reports confirm that 25% of women and one in six men (16%) have experienced sexual harassment in the past 5 years. Dr Gabrielle McMullin, a senior vascular surgeon, stirred controversy when she openly proposed that women need to protect their surgical careers by "complying with requests" for sex from males colleagues as it is a safer option than reporting the harassment. Victims do not speak out due to a history of previous victims' careers being completely obliterated after years of hard work. Sexual harassment occurs within a culture of silence in Australia's medical field. Consequently, those who wish to protect their careers do not speak out against the "untouchables" and the incorrect sense of entitlement that also permeates numerous other professions.
The importance of consent, the first ethical value that is drilled into our heads in medical school, is sadly the major right neglected in assault; we are not practicing what we preach. Sexual assault and the culture surrounding it does not discriminate against age, nor race. It does not discriminate against gender. As Army Chief David Morrison said "The standard you walk past is the standard you accept". That is why it is equally all our role to enact change.'
Joanna Williams
'I was brave and courageous for speaking out about being raped. Or at least that's what everyone, including the man who subsequently went on to rape me, told me.
No matter how broken and damaged I felt inside, I never wanted to let people down by being a victim again.
So when I woke up in a bed surrounded by blood, I just reapplied my makeup, got a coffee and kept on going.
But every time I saw my reflection in the mirror, all I could see was shame.
I had no idea how to voice what had happened to me, let alone how to ask for help.
And I didn’t need anyone else to blame me for what had happened. Because I believed it was my fault that he had chosen to do that to me.
I thought that this was my burden to carry alone. But I was wrong.
It took me five months to tell someone what had happened that night. As the tears dripped down my face, I could feel the shame starting to wash away.
With each person I’ve told, my voice became a little bit stronger and I shout a little louder.
It’s taken a long time, but I can now say that I completely believe that it was not my fault that he raped me.
My rape did not make me a better person. My rape broke me in ways I never knew possible. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that being alive is actually an achievement. This last year has been hard, but it has helped me come to realise my strength, my resilience and how the ongoing love and support that my family and friends provide me means that I am in fact the opposite of alone. And I have finally learnt to love myself. But this post-traumatic growth came from me pushing to survive from something I never signed up for.
And that’s why I speak.
I speak so that people understand that, whilst this experience does not define my worth or my identity, my PTSD will always influence my behaviour. I speak so that those who feel voiceless can be heard. I speak so that those who have survived sexual violence are reminded that they are never alone. I speak to say thanks to those who inspired me to survive and thrive. I speak in the hope that society will stop blaming victims for being sexually assaulted and start holding perpetrators accountable. I speak to remind people that survivors should not have to wait 6+ months to access specialist counselling services. I speak because I believe that humanity can do better.
That’s why I choose to make my trauma so visible. If you think that makes me brave and courageous, so be it. But I speak to be happy.'
Courtney Morley
They say, “Oh my god yes! I would love a cup of tea! Thankyou!” Then you know they want a cup of tea.
'People think I am exaggerating when I explain that my catholic high school’s idea of sex education mostly consisted of some labelled diagrams, videos of women giving birth, and the emphasis that abstinence was the only contraception that offered 100% protection from STDs and pregnancies.'
They say, “No thankyou” Then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them drink it. Don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. Just don’t make them tea.
'I vividly remember how conflicted my awkward teen self felt about this incompetency. Initially I rejoiced that there would be no further exploration of an already embarrassing topic, but this soon gave way to alarm and fear. I became acutely aware that this education did not, in any capacity, prepare my classmates or me for a society where sex and sexuality is an integral part of its foundation. It did not address the many questions I had about my own sexuality and how to accept and assert my own boundaries.
And it certainly did not explore sexual consent and the importance of respecting people’s answer. This is what now, on reflection, saddens me most.'
If they are unconscious don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question. Don’t pour it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe.
'The latest national research shows that most young people still learn about sex and sexual health from school-based education programs (Writing themselves in again, 2005). This means that schools are at the frontier of enlightening and cultivating our young people with consistent and accurate information about sexual health and diverse sexuality. This platform is where the idea of affirmative and enthusiastic consent that encourages people to regard sex as a positive and willing action should be emphasised and a real difference to our societal view on consent would be made.'
If they said yes to tea last week, that doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly and force them to drink tea because “they wanted it last week” or wake up to find you pouring it down their throat because “they wanted it last night”.
'For the longest time, I struggled to understand the apparent grey areas of consent. It wasn’t until I read the, now well-known, metaphor by Rockstar Dinosaur Pirate Princess that my confusion cleared and an overwhelming realisation was made. There is no grey when it comes to consent.
You wouldn’t if it concerned a cup of tea, so why does sex suddenly make it acceptable to ignore the rules? Why does sex blur the lines? Why does sex make it okay to push boundaries? It doesn’t.
So lets make it clear. Whether it is tea or consent – it’s black and white.'
- Blog post excerpts by Emmeline May (Rockstardinosaurpirateprincess)
Emma Hollis
'In primary school, after telling my mum about a standard playground spat, she told me something I’ve never forgotten: “He’s probably just mean because he likes you. That’s just something that boys your age do.”
My mum worked actively to make me a strong, resilient woman. So I can only assume that she didn’t understand the harm of her words at the time. No doubt phrases like this become so rooted in parenting that no one stops to think about them.
But shouldn’t we?
At the time, I was encouraged by her words. I felt I had been given a rare insight into the psyche of boys – a rule book, of sorts. That was, until I grew older and began to consider what that attitude actually meant.
My mother had told me to expect abuse from someone who liked me. She had told me that name-calling was love and hair-pulling was affection. In that moment, any complaints I had about my own mistreatment were overridden because I was desired.
I wonder: at what point does the belief that ‘he’s mean because he likes you’ stop?
Those who might disagree with me would say that even in adulthood, light teasing is all part-and-parcel of flirtation. Of course it is – I guarantee it’ll be on any ‘how to tell if he likes you’ listicle you can find. But being taught early in childhood that abuse and humiliation are equal to love certainly doesn’t help anyone to create appropriate boundaries.
In fact, it’s childhood lessons like this that can grow up with a person, eventually leading to ‘he hits you because he loves you’.
Sound extreme?
Well that’s exactly what 18-year-old vlogger Romina Garcia was promoting to her fans in 2014, in a video that has been viewed more than 375,000 times. “If your boyfriend or the guy that you’re with… hits you or beats you up or whatever he does, stay with him,” she told followers. “He’s risking all… for you.”
The response is so entrenched that it’s a staple reaction to any interaction between young children of different genders – even if that interaction crosses over into the sinister.
American mother Merritt Smith found this when her four-year-old daughter, who had been hit so hard by a boy in her school that she needed stitches, was told by a hospital employee: “he must really like you!”.
These might be severe cases but they are indicative of a dangerous sentiment in how parents talk about children interacting with one another. A sentiment that teaches girls, often without their parents noticing, that abuse equals love. A sentiment that will sit unaddressed in their psyche, a very much un-benign tumor, unless the problem is brought to light.
This harms young boys too. Firstly, they are engaging in bad behaviour – teasing, pestering, physically and verbally mistreating another child – and having their behaviour justified, rather than addressed and punished. The Australian Psychological Society has warned parents to always “be consistent in applying consequences”.
There is always a limit when it comes to telling what behaviour is inappropriate; but when you don’t apply the same consequences to meanness and violence, and dismiss all negative intersex behaviour as childhood flirting, children will never learn what is inappropriate.
Secondly, in these situations, young boys are learning how to interact with the opposite sex. They experiment with their attraction, try different actions to discover how they are expected to relate to the other gender. Psychologist Jessie Prinz found that men are not biologically predisposed to violence and that it is in fact generally historical factors that have lead to the majority of male violence.
I’m certain there are many factors that can lead a person to be cruel or violent in romance but when adults are actually telling children ‘he’s mean because he likes you’, what else are boys expected to do to display their affection? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are taught that simply being gentle and kind is unmanly. In the utterance of a single, common phrase, girls are taught that abuse is affection and boys are taught that affection is abuse.
Clearly, the parents, teachers and other adults in a child’s life don’t intend this fallout. No one wants a child to blur the boundaries between mistreatment and love. It’s a phrase that’s stuck around from a time when the ideal man was burly and rough and physical, and the ideal woman was submissive and quiet. It sounds stupid because it is. Children can’t understand the implications of this term until they’re older, if at all, so it’s we adults who need to understand.
This sort of nonsense needs to be addressed in childhood, in real time – in the playground, the classroom, the family gathering, the home. We need to accept that children will be rough and will experiment with how to display emotion, but we cannot explain it away as affection or they will too. Psychologist Lisa Kaplin explains that we should make it clear to children that punching, hitting and other forms of abuse are not about love. “We should explain that it is about control.”
So this is a reminder for the next time you are in a position to deal with teasing or bullying, or if you hear a child being told ‘they’re mean because they like you’. No need to be a dick about it but step right in with the conflict resolution that will teach these kids that there is no place for humiliation or violence. Don’t bring any of this romantic crap in unless they do.
Early intervention with this kind of rhetoric is a step toward preventing grown-up problems like domestic abuse, emotional repression, inability to communicate romantically, low self-esteem and mistreatment of women.
It’s hard to accept that your loved ones might be harming you when they don’t mean to. I struggled for a long time with the knowledge that my mum might have given me such potentially damaging advice. What would have happened if I wasn’t able to evaluate the underlying meaning of what I’d been told? How many people are becoming adults with this advice in mind? It’s questions like these that show us why it’s so important to call out this social trap.'
- Content originally published in Farrago Magazine
ZESTHER - Zoë Vorenas and Esther Brierley
'Male, female, non-binary, gay, straight, bi, pan, queer, single, in a relationship, married, divorced, whoever you are. Over tinder, Facebook, at a party, at home, on the street, in whatever situation. A stranger, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, family, friend, whoever they are. It really doesn’t matter, because at some point, everyone is affected by sexual violence, whether that be directly or indirectly. No matter how great or small, your story and your experience is valid, you deserve to be seen and you deserve to be heard. To be made so vulnerable, to feel so powerless, worthless, and to be dehumanised in such a way can completely shut you down.
Any act of sexual violence, is unacceptable, but we live in a time where technology and social media is the worst and best thing about our generation. Comments, slurs, screenshots… It’s a whole other platform that makes these crimes, no matter how small, far too easy to commit.
The perception of women continues to be a leading issue, and I suppose that is the point of this image. For us, it provokes anxiety. A lot of it. How are people going to see us? What if they sexualise it? Will they be able to look any prejudice and see the strength, the bravery, and the courage? Well, that is up to you, but we urge you to challenge your thoughts. Not only for this situation, but speaking far more broadly.
And finally, we are calling for those who can, to be strong for those who are unable to protect themselves, to be the voice for those who have been silenced, to be brave for those who have lost their courage.'
Kate Fleming
I know a girl who was sexually assaulted by her own boyfriend and she didn't say anything until it was too late. The effects he'd made on her were set in her mind and irreversible. She can't be intimate with anyone new without his face appearing in her mind and holding her back. She now finds it near impossible to be relaxed with guys. Even though it's been years, what happened still haunts her to this day.
We all have ways of expressing ourselves, whether we do it or not, there's always a way. Sometimes simply saying how we feel can be the most daunting thing. It's a skill that can take years to just start practicing. But no matter how difficult it is, you can guarantee there will be someone out there listening and feeling the same way. Someone will be there to help you and someone will care.
So no matter how bad it may get, no matter how much you love your partner, if they hurt you, there is always a way out. You just need to have the courage to say something, or draw something, write something, sing something. Anything that works for you. It won't be easy, but it could save you.
Lauren Gerondakis
'One night a demon came up from under my bed.
He clawed at my ankles, tore at my back, made me swallow sheets as he carved another number into his body and mumbled that he’d lost count. He robbed my vision. I couldn’t even look into his eyes.
“Hit me”, I thought, “say something”. I wanted anything tangible to explain his appearance and why he’d chosen to hurt me.
Before sliding back under the bed he leered at me. I was one of his girls now.
He’s never come back out from under the bed, but he always threatens to with the glowing of his eyes in the darkness. He laughs as he reminds me that demons don’t exist. His game plays on, just like the fables that say he isn’t real. Surely if I don’t think or talk about him he just won’t be there. If I block him out, maybe I’ll be able to go back to sleep without worrying his hands might reach out and grip at my legs again. As I lie beside the bed, curled as tightly as I can, he presses one cold finger to my lips and hushes my tears away. “It’s all in your head”, he says. “Can’t you see it’s your fault I’m still here?”
He left a tremendous scar, impregnating my flesh and gnarling my skin. All I want to do is show someone. A scar would surely help to prove my demon is real. However, only I can see it. Even still, its very existence niggles, and reminds me how he keeps me trapped within these four bedroom walls. Sometimes it makes me feel naked, standing on display. I feel like everyone can see it. It makes me lose myself in worry and doubt and the cynicism that everyone will run from its ugliness. He laughs uncontrollably at this. He knows no one will come with the sound of my nightmares if all they ever find in the bed is me.
My time in the room with him has proven one thing. Demons do exist. Hold my hand, lie with me, press your ear to the bedroom floor, stare into the darkness and I’ll show you mine.'
